happiness project update

So I had said earlier that I hoped this months project of living intentionally would help me feel more energized and recharged - and when I am able to check off the day's task I do feel great.  However, it has been a lot more difficult than I anticipated - even finding ten minutes is a struggle sometimes.  I have done half of my list - which isn't too bad, but I am not great at giving myself grace.  In a way, I think this "failure" has been a good thing, because I am trying to learn to be okay with not checking every item off the to-do list and I am hoping that I can learn to be okay with doing my best.  I want to work on my perfectionist tendencies because all the completed to-do lists in the world won't make me happy if I miss out on my life and the lives of my kids to do it.  Ultimately, I think this list is serving its purpose, even if it isn't in the way that I originally intended it.

Now on to May's Happiness Project.  The focus for this month is going outside my comfort zone and challenging myself.  I wanted to try something new, finish something difficult, be okay with failure.  I had been thinking a lot over the past few days on what I would like to do. Here is some backstory on how I make my decision.   After admitting defeat too many times, I decided May would be about challenging myself to be healthy.  I will be trying something new by using this instagram account to document my journey.  I want to finish something difficult by coming up with a plan and sticking to it.  I want to be okay with failure in that if something doesn't work, I just try something else.  If I have a day where I don't feel that I did my best, I am not going to bully myself, but just try that much  harder tomorrow.  I want to make a change and I want it to be for the right reasons.  So that is where I am at.  And even though this is May's project, and we are only a little over half-way through April, I am going to start now.  Something like this can't wait, but by May I should have a better idea of what I want my posts to look like and how I want to push forward on this health journey.  And I don't have an end date in mind for this either - I am actually hoping to have this account be something I continue to post on well past May.  I want to do it for as long as it helps me succeed and hold myself accountable.  So here goes...

the journey towards a healthier me

This post is a chance for me to be real and allow myself to start over.  Over the past few weeks, I have been really struggling with my eating and body image.  Once I completed the Whole30, I kind of went a little crazy.  My first day of being completely done with the program also happened to fall on a birthday celebration as well as a local celebration day of all things maple syrup.  Which I happen to love.  So there was a lovely breakfast in the morning for the birthday (where I ate all. the. things) and then we went to a local sugar shack in the afternoon and had maple syrup in baked beans, maple butter on bread, maple syrup on fried dough, maple syrup over vanilla ice cream.  And I loved every bit of it.  And then the next day was Easter.  My basket had a Reese's bunny and I made the BEST easter bark you will ever have.  It was so addicting!! I also made hot cross buns and those were just delicious.  So as you can imagine, the first couple days after Whole30 I pretty much did a 180 on the eating, and I told myself it would just be for the weekend and Monday would start fresh.  Well part of doing the Whole30 was that you couldn't count calories, and while they did have guidelines for portion control, I pretty much ate whatever I wanted because it was all healthy right?  Well after eating like that for 45 days, it is not easy to just go back to eating the 1300 calories a day that I was trying to stick to prior to the program.  (I didn't follow this religiously - just as a guideline, and with the occasional margarita, or three cups of coffee with sugar in it, it was probably a lot higher than this every day.  But at least I had a routine, and I had a goal in mind).  As I started tracking my food, I was blowing through my calories for the day before dinner and so I just felt defeated and would end my day with a girl scout cookie or candy or bowl of lucky charms or graham crackers with peanut butter and chocolate chips or - you get the idea.  Not great.  I was still working out - almost seven days a week, but when you eat the way that I had been it doesn't make a huge difference.  I felt defeated, angry, frustrated, and like a failure.  This came hard after last summer of being so healthy and being in my best shape ever.  I looked in the mirror and I saw failure instead of the figure that I had several months ago.  I know I keep using the past tense, but this is really still where I am.  Except that last night I hit a low spot where I am tired of eating the way that I have been, tired of feeling the way that I have been, and more importantly, tired of complaining about it and not doing anything to change it!  I have been trying here and there, but it is time to fight back! Chasing after healthy isn't easy, and it is going to be an uphill battle for me for a while, but I know that I can do it.  I have done this before.  I am also going to say this - I don't blame the Whole30 for this struggle, although for me I know that it is linked.  It is just because my self-control had been so focused on following the plan for so long, that when I became "free" I just let myself go.  Although I actually found myself in a new place of bondage where food had its hold over me, just in a different way than before.

So I decided to make a series of small changes and the biggest one?  Holding myself accountable.  This was how I succeeded during the Whole30 - I didn't want to admit to others that I had "failed" so I did my best and never cheated, not once.  I thought about some of the instagram accounts that I follow and I love seeing others on their fitness journeys.  I don't love the accounts that just post their dinner food every single night, but I love the ones that incorporate this with real life pictures of where they are at in their journey, what their struggles are, how they are working to overcome them, and even just a beautiful shot of the bridge they just ran six miles over that morning.  THAT is what inspires me.  So I decided to make my own.  Coming up with the user name was hard because I wanted to capture what I was trying to accomplish in just a few words.  I thought about words like freedom or balance, or clean, or whole, but while I agree that those words all have a place in what my journey will look like they didn't capture ME and who I am right now.  So I decided on "holdthesprinkles".  Its a little tongue-in-cheek but since I am a baker - a cupcake lady - I thought it was appropriate.  To be honest I thought about a user name of something like "nomoredonuts" or something like that, but I knew that I would still want a donut, and would still eat a donut sometimes.  I knew my struggle was not about "no donuts" but about "not three donuts" or "not a donut every day for four days in a row".  So hold the sprinkles just means that I am still going to eat some things that aren't healthy, but they are going to be in moderation, and they are going to be a choice that I make, not a craving that I can't say no to.  At least, that is what I am fighting for.  I don't have a specific goal weight in mind, I am not 100% sure on how to make sure that this is the time that I succeed, but I am going to try.  So here goes a step on the road to freedom over food and healthy over skinny.  I want to give myself grace, find balance, and be healthier than I have ever been - both physically and mentally - so that every time I look in the mirror I see something I am proud of, confident in, and the beloved, redeemed daughter in Christ that I am.

Monday's are for starting fresh...

I know I don't blog very often, and sometimes I want to change that.  However, right now I am working on balance.  Balance with my time, my priorities, my eating habits, my commitments.  The things that I choose to spend my time on need to be worthwhile and they need to be the best thing for me at that moment.  Most of the time, this blog doesn't make the cut.  However, sometimes it is exactly what I need to get out all my thoughts onto white space.

Lately I have been spending time on the Make It Happen website where I can post all my PowerSheets goals for the year/month and check them off when they are done ( so fun! ).  It is also fun to encourage others in their goals, and be encouraged by them in return.  I even created a group for my fellow New Englander's and I do have a little internet space to call home.  I want to make sure that my goals moving forward are not just an action item that I strive to check off, but something that I want to incorporate into my life so that a month later I can look back and say, "yeah - my life is better for it."

I have been thinking a lot lately about living intentionally, and after finishing the book Hands Free Life and watching Miss You Already, I really want to choose the right things - the important things.  I want my family to come first, I want to spend consistent time with the Lord each day, I want to take care of my body and I want to give myself GRACE because I don't do that enough.  The time we have is so short, and I want to make sure that each day I make the most of it.  No more letting the days slip through the cracks.  The time to start is now.  So that is what I am doing.  I am SUCH a list person and a chart-maker and there is a HUGE part of me that wants to sit down and do that - what do I want to accomplish each day?  Should I schedule time that we are hands-fee - no screen time, no distractions?  What about scheduling a social media-free weekend?  Do I make a list of things I need to do differently?  But then there is another part of me that says that I need to put down the pen and pick up my head and see what is in front of me.  Not everything needs to be planned, scheduled, accounted for.  I need to give myself the freedom to let go of the charts and just do life.  I want to take this chance to start fresh, live fully, give grace, laugh long, love deep, and slow down.  Before it's too late.

April's Happiness Project

I am getting ahead of the game here this month!! So the past two months I have participated in a monthly challenge of some sort and I have enjoyed having something to cross off each day.  In February I did a challenge that focused on creativity and this month, I have been doing a Pilates challenge with The Balanced Life.  I realized that this month is almost over and I was going to miss not having a "challenge" in April.  I have also been thinking about my Happiness Project and wanting to simplify things a bit.  I decided I would turn the Happiness Project for April into a thirty day challenge of sorts.  April's theme is vitality and is focused on having more energy.  I decided to focus on a different area each day of the week such as: better self-care, finding more margin in my week, investing more time in relationships, clearing the clutter (both physical and mental), taking the time to slow down and savor the moment, and tackling nagging tasks that everyone just puts off but would feel so much better if they were done.  Although I will be doing thirty different tasks, I think it will still be a simpler version of the Happiness Project this month, because I will break down larger tasks into smaller action items that can be accomplished in ten minutes or less ( except for a few that are bigger projects)  and it has an over-arching goal of simplifying my life to have more energy and more intentional living.  That is something that has been on my heart a lot recently, so I think this is the way to go.  I found a fun free monthly printable at Fab N' Free and just filled in the spaces!

March Happiness Project // Finishing up the Whole30 and some other thoughts...

It has been a little while since I posted last, and that is mostly because my days have been filled to the brim with so many things that I had to let it slide.  There has been a lot on my plate lately, and I have been struggling with shouldering it all - but more on that later.

March's Happiness Project focuses on humanity and compassion.  Our family made a compassion list of things that we could do to show compassion and love to others, and decided to focus on one each week.  I had also decided to work on criticizing others and to give grace.  I wanted to work on becoming less defensive and to hold my tongue rather than speak out if I was upset.  It was hard to incorporate these things into the project though, because I had a hard time thinking back through the course of each day and remembering how well I did or didn't do.  I do better with specific, measurable action items, rather than something that I have to gauge using an opinion.  The Compassion List has been good though, and while we won't get it finished this month, I would like to continue to work on it, and maybe even add to it as time goes on.

So on to the Whole30.  We finished our thirty days, and are in the last week of the reintroduction period.  It has been so hard.  So hard.  The cooking and prep work, the saying no to so many things, the grocery bill, everything.  I am so ready for it be over.  However, I am proud of myself for doing it, and I feel like it made me a better person for it.  The discipline required is huge, and I learned I am capable of more than I thought.  I am also going to walk away from it with a renewed sense of healthy food choices.  I want to eat better, live better, and also give myself the freedom to have a treat or "cheat" and enjoy it for what it is without feeling guilty.  I want to avoid sugar when possible, because it is in so many things, but I also don't want to spend an extra hour in the grocery store just to read every label.  I didn't lose a lot of weight, but I feel like I have a better handle on my diet now.  I learned that I love to bake and I miss it, so more on that to come I think.

Lastly, I wanted to share about where I am at a quarter of the way through the year.  I am tired.  I feel like I always start each year with a fresh burst of energy and checklists for miles, and then somewhere along the way, I start to lose focus.  This year, it is not so much that I am losing focus, but changing focus.  I have been trying to fit too much in and I am not any better for it.  I need more margin and rest.  I need to give myself permission to rest.  I need to literally schedule it, because that is how I work best.  I am a list maker, a planner, a check list person, a note keeper.  That is who I am, and how I best function.  It is not how I keep track or organize my time that I am struggling with, it is putting the pressure on myself to fit more in.  Reading two books a month.   Working three jobs.  Saying yes when I should say no.  Feeling guilty when I want to rest instead of working on my to-do list.  I want that to stop now.  I want to start giving myself more freedom and white space in each day.  I want to bake more, blog more, rest more, read more (but one book at a time!)  I want to say yes to the best things only.  I even want to change how I finish the rest of my happiness project.  I am not abandoning it, but instead of several tasks, I want to just pick one.  What is the most important thing to work on?  What will bring the most joy to me?  That is what I will do from here on out.  Less is more I think.

I am planning on spending a few hours this afternoon working on my Powersheets three-month refresh and really thinking about what changes I want to make at this point to reflect the thoughts that I have been having.  So that is where I am at, and hopefully I can make more time to blog a big more on how I plan to go from here.  Until then...

How I'm doing halfway through the Whole30...

So today is actually Day 17, so I am just over halfway!  I noticed that my experiences have pretty much followed the timeline as far as what to expect when starting out on the Whole 30, with a few exceptions.  I am now on the home stretch and SO thankful for that! I am feeling great physically - energy is pretty good, mood is pretty good, and so far I have been able to make dinners that are good enough that I am excited for lunch the next day.

There were two days that I was ready to give up - both of them occurred when dinner didn't go as planned ( the first time - it was this flank steak that I marinated in an asian-style marinade.  Not good.  Maybe I should have used chicken?)  Anyway, after trying so hard not to snack after lunch, it was really disappointing that my only meal before breakfast the next day was gross, and I hardly wanted to eat it.  I was super bummed and I was about three minutes from throwing in the towel and grabbing McDonalds.  But I didn't and I moved on.  The next time was actually last night, but it wasn't as tempting to give up then, just briefly considered it, before deciding it was ridiculous.  This was because I opened my package of wings and it had gone bad! So that meant a trip to the grocery store at 5pm, when I would much rather have been sitting down to eat.  I was hungry!  I would say that if you are planning on starting the Whole30, you should plan ahead for when situations like this happen when you aren't expecting them.  Maybe make a couple extra meals at the beginning, and put them in the freezer for when dinnertime gets the best of you.

Areas for improvement during my Whole30:

1- Portion sizes.  I know I am supposed to eat until I start to feel full, and then wait a bit to see if I really am full or am a bit more hungry.  However, I usually just keep eating.  This is not a good thing, and I want to stop it NOW when I am still eating good foods.

2- Snacking.  I try not to snack during the day, but VERY occasionally I have a mid-morning snack.  This is usually an apple with almond butter or something similar.  I would say this happens once a week, maybe.  I do have an afternoon snack every day, but this is something I have always done - my kids get home from school and we have a snack and talk about our day, homework, etc.  I have a larabar pretty much every day, and man those things are good!  The habit that I want to curb is actually the after dinner "treat".  Right now it is some dried fruit and a small serving of cashews or a banana with almond butter, or some blueberries in coconut milk ( THIS is amazing!).  I know these are all compliant things, but I also know that I am adding in extra calories that I don't need, and they are instead a craving - I am not really that hungry.  I am also worried that if I let this continue, then post Whole30, it won't stop but instead will be chocolate and wine or something!  So I need to stop it TODAY.  I decided to give myself a plan.  After dinner I will brew some tea while I get the girls ready for bed.  I will drink it and relax while I read them their bedtime story and say good night.  Then I will brush my teeth right away! I am hoping that this will do the trick.  I think having a plan in place is half the battle, if not more.

Things that are working well:

1 - No added sugar.  I have found that I used to put sugar in a lot of things that don't need it.  When I made sweet potato in the past, I would put cinnamon and brown sugar on it.  Now it just has cinnamon, and I LOVE it!  I plan on choosing foods that don't have added sugar in the ingredients as much as possible.

2- I want to continue with a mostly paleo lifestyle when this is over.  I absolutely love to bake and cook, so I plan on continuing with this later - but I will bake with healthier ingredients and while I still plan on having the occasional cupcake or cinnamon roll, I want to do this even less than I did before.

3- Planning out ALL my meals has been great.  I am SO SICK OF EGGS.  However, I love that I have a game plan for breakfast because it is a lot healthier than just grabbing a bowl of Lucky Charms in the morning, because I haven't thought past my coffee yet.  I am planning on choosing breakfasts that are healthy and make me look forward to getting up in the morning, and then putting them on a rotating schedule so I am not eating eggs. every. day.  I am excited for when I can have avocado toast or yogurt again.  I am interested to see how the reintroduction period goes, and to see how certain foods affect me and in what way.  I will then use this information when planning out my menus in the days to come.

I am thankful that I chose to do the Whole 30 because in addition to looking at foods in a different way, and using this time to try and curb my food habits that are not helpful to me in the long run, I have also developed a new appreciation for food! I know that when I am finally able to sit and have a donut, I will ENJOY it and not just scarf it down and end up having two! I will be able to savor it for what it is, and then move on.  I will be able to choose those foods less, because I know what life is like without them, but I also know that it is okay to have once and a while.  I don't want to be a slave to food - I am the boss, and I want it to serve my purposes and not the other way around.   I also have learned a lot about discipline and what we are capable of doing if we just decide to do it!  I think this can spill out into other areas of life as well - training for that half-marathon that's on your bucket list? Yeah! Go do it! I bet you can do more than you thought you could.  And I promise you can do a lot more if you get off of your couch and at least try!

So that is where I'm at on Day 17.  Have you ever thought about taking the Whole 30 challenge?  Did you complete one? Tell me about it!

on kingdom service and being useful

As I began to pray over what I hoped this lent season would hold for me, I thought about what the purpose of the Lenten season is.  Essentially, it is an intentional time set apart for pause and reflection, for repenting from sin, and turning back to God.  I wanted this to be a time where I step back and not only ask Him to bring all my sin into the light that I might look hard at it and repent, but also to really look at my life through the lens of purpose and making a difference.  What does it mean for me in my life to build His kingdom?  I want to spend intentional time in prayer and journaling to seek answers to the questions that I have on my heart.  I also decided to undertake the Whole30 during this time.  It was something on my bucket list for 2016, and I felt it was really appropriate during this time because when you give up certain things, you make more room for something else.  When it comes to the Whole30, I am choosing to give up sugar, dairy, grains, and some other things, to make room for healthier foods like proteins, fruits, and veggies.  I want to give myself the full thirty days to see how I feel after making these good choices, and even though it will be hard at times, I know I don't have to lean on my own strength to accomplish it.  I also feel that holds true in the other areas of my life.  During this Lenten season, I want to focus on giving up fear of failure or of not doing enough, fear of being too weak to make a difference, or not having enough to offer, and instead make room for the healthier perspective that HE is strong and can manifest His strength in my weakness.  HE is enough and has given me everything I need to accomplish my kingdom service.  I listed to a really great talk called Kingdom Matters by Paige Benton Brown, and it was so so good.  I wanted to share a few of the things that she said, because this topic is where I am pressing in and asking the Lord about during Lent.

First, our purpose as the church (as in every believer), is to be in the world but not of it.  We meet as a body together for spiritual refreshment and to be well-fed and then go right back into the world to DO something about what we are learning.  We are to go where the Kingdom is weak and make it strong - to be the salt and light of the earth.  The purpose of salt is to enhance the flavor of food, and if salt is being used appropriately, you don't even taste it, but by it you taste food better.  It is the same for us - We are not to be the focus, but are to be used to help others focus on Jesus.  We are not to just stay safe in our little churches and keeping being fed and getting fatter in God's grace, but rather to get stronger in it, as we go out into the world and DO.

Second, each individual is given different gifts and talents in how they are to accomplish this.  Looking to the right or to the left at what He has given someone else and feeling jealous is not only sin, but it is a barrier to usefulness.  Being resentful of what we don't have keeps us from using what we do have.  She points out that everything is necessary that He gives you, and nothing that is necessary has been withheld from you.  Your kingdom service was tailor-made for you.

Lastly, no one can else can tell you what you should be doing, you need to look to the Lord.  Ask him what He wants you to do.  It's not about building a nice life for your family in your neighborhood, your community, your job.  It is about building His kingdom right around what is in front of you and with what he has already given you to make Him known in your neighborhood, your community, your job.

So that is where I am at, and I am asking Him to show me what He wants me to do, and asking Him to make me useful for His kingdom.  I am asking Him to replace fear with love.  I am not a liability, I am His daughter.  I don't have to be worried that I am going to mess something up or to feel unworthy to carry His banner.  He has called me as His own, every inch of my life has already been claimed by his blood, and so how can I not do anything but share His love with the world however He calls me to do it?