happiness project update

So I had said earlier that I hoped this months project of living intentionally would help me feel more energized and recharged - and when I am able to check off the day's task I do feel great.  However, it has been a lot more difficult than I anticipated - even finding ten minutes is a struggle sometimes.  I have done half of my list - which isn't too bad, but I am not great at giving myself grace.  In a way, I think this "failure" has been a good thing, because I am trying to learn to be okay with not checking every item off the to-do list and I am hoping that I can learn to be okay with doing my best.  I want to work on my perfectionist tendencies because all the completed to-do lists in the world won't make me happy if I miss out on my life and the lives of my kids to do it.  Ultimately, I think this list is serving its purpose, even if it isn't in the way that I originally intended it.

Now on to May's Happiness Project.  The focus for this month is going outside my comfort zone and challenging myself.  I wanted to try something new, finish something difficult, be okay with failure.  I had been thinking a lot over the past few days on what I would like to do. Here is some backstory on how I make my decision.   After admitting defeat too many times, I decided May would be about challenging myself to be healthy.  I will be trying something new by using this instagram account to document my journey.  I want to finish something difficult by coming up with a plan and sticking to it.  I want to be okay with failure in that if something doesn't work, I just try something else.  If I have a day where I don't feel that I did my best, I am not going to bully myself, but just try that much  harder tomorrow.  I want to make a change and I want it to be for the right reasons.  So that is where I am at.  And even though this is May's project, and we are only a little over half-way through April, I am going to start now.  Something like this can't wait, but by May I should have a better idea of what I want my posts to look like and how I want to push forward on this health journey.  And I don't have an end date in mind for this either - I am actually hoping to have this account be something I continue to post on well past May.  I want to do it for as long as it helps me succeed and hold myself accountable.  So here goes...

the journey towards a healthier me

This post is a chance for me to be real and allow myself to start over.  Over the past few weeks, I have been really struggling with my eating and body image.  Once I completed the Whole30, I kind of went a little crazy.  My first day of being completely done with the program also happened to fall on a birthday celebration as well as a local celebration day of all things maple syrup.  Which I happen to love.  So there was a lovely breakfast in the morning for the birthday (where I ate all. the. things) and then we went to a local sugar shack in the afternoon and had maple syrup in baked beans, maple butter on bread, maple syrup on fried dough, maple syrup over vanilla ice cream.  And I loved every bit of it.  And then the next day was Easter.  My basket had a Reese's bunny and I made the BEST easter bark you will ever have.  It was so addicting!! I also made hot cross buns and those were just delicious.  So as you can imagine, the first couple days after Whole30 I pretty much did a 180 on the eating, and I told myself it would just be for the weekend and Monday would start fresh.  Well part of doing the Whole30 was that you couldn't count calories, and while they did have guidelines for portion control, I pretty much ate whatever I wanted because it was all healthy right?  Well after eating like that for 45 days, it is not easy to just go back to eating the 1300 calories a day that I was trying to stick to prior to the program.  (I didn't follow this religiously - just as a guideline, and with the occasional margarita, or three cups of coffee with sugar in it, it was probably a lot higher than this every day.  But at least I had a routine, and I had a goal in mind).  As I started tracking my food, I was blowing through my calories for the day before dinner and so I just felt defeated and would end my day with a girl scout cookie or candy or bowl of lucky charms or graham crackers with peanut butter and chocolate chips or - you get the idea.  Not great.  I was still working out - almost seven days a week, but when you eat the way that I had been it doesn't make a huge difference.  I felt defeated, angry, frustrated, and like a failure.  This came hard after last summer of being so healthy and being in my best shape ever.  I looked in the mirror and I saw failure instead of the figure that I had several months ago.  I know I keep using the past tense, but this is really still where I am.  Except that last night I hit a low spot where I am tired of eating the way that I have been, tired of feeling the way that I have been, and more importantly, tired of complaining about it and not doing anything to change it!  I have been trying here and there, but it is time to fight back! Chasing after healthy isn't easy, and it is going to be an uphill battle for me for a while, but I know that I can do it.  I have done this before.  I am also going to say this - I don't blame the Whole30 for this struggle, although for me I know that it is linked.  It is just because my self-control had been so focused on following the plan for so long, that when I became "free" I just let myself go.  Although I actually found myself in a new place of bondage where food had its hold over me, just in a different way than before.

So I decided to make a series of small changes and the biggest one?  Holding myself accountable.  This was how I succeeded during the Whole30 - I didn't want to admit to others that I had "failed" so I did my best and never cheated, not once.  I thought about some of the instagram accounts that I follow and I love seeing others on their fitness journeys.  I don't love the accounts that just post their dinner food every single night, but I love the ones that incorporate this with real life pictures of where they are at in their journey, what their struggles are, how they are working to overcome them, and even just a beautiful shot of the bridge they just ran six miles over that morning.  THAT is what inspires me.  So I decided to make my own.  Coming up with the user name was hard because I wanted to capture what I was trying to accomplish in just a few words.  I thought about words like freedom or balance, or clean, or whole, but while I agree that those words all have a place in what my journey will look like they didn't capture ME and who I am right now.  So I decided on "holdthesprinkles".  Its a little tongue-in-cheek but since I am a baker - a cupcake lady - I thought it was appropriate.  To be honest I thought about a user name of something like "nomoredonuts" or something like that, but I knew that I would still want a donut, and would still eat a donut sometimes.  I knew my struggle was not about "no donuts" but about "not three donuts" or "not a donut every day for four days in a row".  So hold the sprinkles just means that I am still going to eat some things that aren't healthy, but they are going to be in moderation, and they are going to be a choice that I make, not a craving that I can't say no to.  At least, that is what I am fighting for.  I don't have a specific goal weight in mind, I am not 100% sure on how to make sure that this is the time that I succeed, but I am going to try.  So here goes a step on the road to freedom over food and healthy over skinny.  I want to give myself grace, find balance, and be healthier than I have ever been - both physically and mentally - so that every time I look in the mirror I see something I am proud of, confident in, and the beloved, redeemed daughter in Christ that I am.

Monday's are for starting fresh...

I know I don't blog very often, and sometimes I want to change that.  However, right now I am working on balance.  Balance with my time, my priorities, my eating habits, my commitments.  The things that I choose to spend my time on need to be worthwhile and they need to be the best thing for me at that moment.  Most of the time, this blog doesn't make the cut.  However, sometimes it is exactly what I need to get out all my thoughts onto white space.

Lately I have been spending time on the Make It Happen website where I can post all my PowerSheets goals for the year/month and check them off when they are done ( so fun! ).  It is also fun to encourage others in their goals, and be encouraged by them in return.  I even created a group for my fellow New Englander's and I do have a little internet space to call home.  I want to make sure that my goals moving forward are not just an action item that I strive to check off, but something that I want to incorporate into my life so that a month later I can look back and say, "yeah - my life is better for it."

I have been thinking a lot lately about living intentionally, and after finishing the book Hands Free Life and watching Miss You Already, I really want to choose the right things - the important things.  I want my family to come first, I want to spend consistent time with the Lord each day, I want to take care of my body and I want to give myself GRACE because I don't do that enough.  The time we have is so short, and I want to make sure that each day I make the most of it.  No more letting the days slip through the cracks.  The time to start is now.  So that is what I am doing.  I am SUCH a list person and a chart-maker and there is a HUGE part of me that wants to sit down and do that - what do I want to accomplish each day?  Should I schedule time that we are hands-fee - no screen time, no distractions?  What about scheduling a social media-free weekend?  Do I make a list of things I need to do differently?  But then there is another part of me that says that I need to put down the pen and pick up my head and see what is in front of me.  Not everything needs to be planned, scheduled, accounted for.  I need to give myself the freedom to let go of the charts and just do life.  I want to take this chance to start fresh, live fully, give grace, laugh long, love deep, and slow down.  Before it's too late.

April's Happiness Project

I am getting ahead of the game here this month!! So the past two months I have participated in a monthly challenge of some sort and I have enjoyed having something to cross off each day.  In February I did a challenge that focused on creativity and this month, I have been doing a Pilates challenge with The Balanced Life.  I realized that this month is almost over and I was going to miss not having a "challenge" in April.  I have also been thinking about my Happiness Project and wanting to simplify things a bit.  I decided I would turn the Happiness Project for April into a thirty day challenge of sorts.  April's theme is vitality and is focused on having more energy.  I decided to focus on a different area each day of the week such as: better self-care, finding more margin in my week, investing more time in relationships, clearing the clutter (both physical and mental), taking the time to slow down and savor the moment, and tackling nagging tasks that everyone just puts off but would feel so much better if they were done.  Although I will be doing thirty different tasks, I think it will still be a simpler version of the Happiness Project this month, because I will break down larger tasks into smaller action items that can be accomplished in ten minutes or less ( except for a few that are bigger projects)  and it has an over-arching goal of simplifying my life to have more energy and more intentional living.  That is something that has been on my heart a lot recently, so I think this is the way to go.  I found a fun free monthly printable at Fab N' Free and just filled in the spaces!

March Happiness Project // Finishing up the Whole30 and some other thoughts...

It has been a little while since I posted last, and that is mostly because my days have been filled to the brim with so many things that I had to let it slide.  There has been a lot on my plate lately, and I have been struggling with shouldering it all - but more on that later.

March's Happiness Project focuses on humanity and compassion.  Our family made a compassion list of things that we could do to show compassion and love to others, and decided to focus on one each week.  I had also decided to work on criticizing others and to give grace.  I wanted to work on becoming less defensive and to hold my tongue rather than speak out if I was upset.  It was hard to incorporate these things into the project though, because I had a hard time thinking back through the course of each day and remembering how well I did or didn't do.  I do better with specific, measurable action items, rather than something that I have to gauge using an opinion.  The Compassion List has been good though, and while we won't get it finished this month, I would like to continue to work on it, and maybe even add to it as time goes on.

So on to the Whole30.  We finished our thirty days, and are in the last week of the reintroduction period.  It has been so hard.  So hard.  The cooking and prep work, the saying no to so many things, the grocery bill, everything.  I am so ready for it be over.  However, I am proud of myself for doing it, and I feel like it made me a better person for it.  The discipline required is huge, and I learned I am capable of more than I thought.  I am also going to walk away from it with a renewed sense of healthy food choices.  I want to eat better, live better, and also give myself the freedom to have a treat or "cheat" and enjoy it for what it is without feeling guilty.  I want to avoid sugar when possible, because it is in so many things, but I also don't want to spend an extra hour in the grocery store just to read every label.  I didn't lose a lot of weight, but I feel like I have a better handle on my diet now.  I learned that I love to bake and I miss it, so more on that to come I think.

Lastly, I wanted to share about where I am at a quarter of the way through the year.  I am tired.  I feel like I always start each year with a fresh burst of energy and checklists for miles, and then somewhere along the way, I start to lose focus.  This year, it is not so much that I am losing focus, but changing focus.  I have been trying to fit too much in and I am not any better for it.  I need more margin and rest.  I need to give myself permission to rest.  I need to literally schedule it, because that is how I work best.  I am a list maker, a planner, a check list person, a note keeper.  That is who I am, and how I best function.  It is not how I keep track or organize my time that I am struggling with, it is putting the pressure on myself to fit more in.  Reading two books a month.   Working three jobs.  Saying yes when I should say no.  Feeling guilty when I want to rest instead of working on my to-do list.  I want that to stop now.  I want to start giving myself more freedom and white space in each day.  I want to bake more, blog more, rest more, read more (but one book at a time!)  I want to say yes to the best things only.  I even want to change how I finish the rest of my happiness project.  I am not abandoning it, but instead of several tasks, I want to just pick one.  What is the most important thing to work on?  What will bring the most joy to me?  That is what I will do from here on out.  Less is more I think.

I am planning on spending a few hours this afternoon working on my Powersheets three-month refresh and really thinking about what changes I want to make at this point to reflect the thoughts that I have been having.  So that is where I am at, and hopefully I can make more time to blog a big more on how I plan to go from here.  Until then...

How I'm doing halfway through the Whole30...

So today is actually Day 17, so I am just over halfway!  I noticed that my experiences have pretty much followed the timeline as far as what to expect when starting out on the Whole 30, with a few exceptions.  I am now on the home stretch and SO thankful for that! I am feeling great physically - energy is pretty good, mood is pretty good, and so far I have been able to make dinners that are good enough that I am excited for lunch the next day.

There were two days that I was ready to give up - both of them occurred when dinner didn't go as planned ( the first time - it was this flank steak that I marinated in an asian-style marinade.  Not good.  Maybe I should have used chicken?)  Anyway, after trying so hard not to snack after lunch, it was really disappointing that my only meal before breakfast the next day was gross, and I hardly wanted to eat it.  I was super bummed and I was about three minutes from throwing in the towel and grabbing McDonalds.  But I didn't and I moved on.  The next time was actually last night, but it wasn't as tempting to give up then, just briefly considered it, before deciding it was ridiculous.  This was because I opened my package of wings and it had gone bad! So that meant a trip to the grocery store at 5pm, when I would much rather have been sitting down to eat.  I was hungry!  I would say that if you are planning on starting the Whole30, you should plan ahead for when situations like this happen when you aren't expecting them.  Maybe make a couple extra meals at the beginning, and put them in the freezer for when dinnertime gets the best of you.

Areas for improvement during my Whole30:

1- Portion sizes.  I know I am supposed to eat until I start to feel full, and then wait a bit to see if I really am full or am a bit more hungry.  However, I usually just keep eating.  This is not a good thing, and I want to stop it NOW when I am still eating good foods.

2- Snacking.  I try not to snack during the day, but VERY occasionally I have a mid-morning snack.  This is usually an apple with almond butter or something similar.  I would say this happens once a week, maybe.  I do have an afternoon snack every day, but this is something I have always done - my kids get home from school and we have a snack and talk about our day, homework, etc.  I have a larabar pretty much every day, and man those things are good!  The habit that I want to curb is actually the after dinner "treat".  Right now it is some dried fruit and a small serving of cashews or a banana with almond butter, or some blueberries in coconut milk ( THIS is amazing!).  I know these are all compliant things, but I also know that I am adding in extra calories that I don't need, and they are instead a craving - I am not really that hungry.  I am also worried that if I let this continue, then post Whole30, it won't stop but instead will be chocolate and wine or something!  So I need to stop it TODAY.  I decided to give myself a plan.  After dinner I will brew some tea while I get the girls ready for bed.  I will drink it and relax while I read them their bedtime story and say good night.  Then I will brush my teeth right away! I am hoping that this will do the trick.  I think having a plan in place is half the battle, if not more.

Things that are working well:

1 - No added sugar.  I have found that I used to put sugar in a lot of things that don't need it.  When I made sweet potato in the past, I would put cinnamon and brown sugar on it.  Now it just has cinnamon, and I LOVE it!  I plan on choosing foods that don't have added sugar in the ingredients as much as possible.

2- I want to continue with a mostly paleo lifestyle when this is over.  I absolutely love to bake and cook, so I plan on continuing with this later - but I will bake with healthier ingredients and while I still plan on having the occasional cupcake or cinnamon roll, I want to do this even less than I did before.

3- Planning out ALL my meals has been great.  I am SO SICK OF EGGS.  However, I love that I have a game plan for breakfast because it is a lot healthier than just grabbing a bowl of Lucky Charms in the morning, because I haven't thought past my coffee yet.  I am planning on choosing breakfasts that are healthy and make me look forward to getting up in the morning, and then putting them on a rotating schedule so I am not eating eggs. every. day.  I am excited for when I can have avocado toast or yogurt again.  I am interested to see how the reintroduction period goes, and to see how certain foods affect me and in what way.  I will then use this information when planning out my menus in the days to come.

I am thankful that I chose to do the Whole 30 because in addition to looking at foods in a different way, and using this time to try and curb my food habits that are not helpful to me in the long run, I have also developed a new appreciation for food! I know that when I am finally able to sit and have a donut, I will ENJOY it and not just scarf it down and end up having two! I will be able to savor it for what it is, and then move on.  I will be able to choose those foods less, because I know what life is like without them, but I also know that it is okay to have once and a while.  I don't want to be a slave to food - I am the boss, and I want it to serve my purposes and not the other way around.   I also have learned a lot about discipline and what we are capable of doing if we just decide to do it!  I think this can spill out into other areas of life as well - training for that half-marathon that's on your bucket list? Yeah! Go do it! I bet you can do more than you thought you could.  And I promise you can do a lot more if you get off of your couch and at least try!

So that is where I'm at on Day 17.  Have you ever thought about taking the Whole 30 challenge?  Did you complete one? Tell me about it!

on kingdom service and being useful

As I began to pray over what I hoped this lent season would hold for me, I thought about what the purpose of the Lenten season is.  Essentially, it is an intentional time set apart for pause and reflection, for repenting from sin, and turning back to God.  I wanted this to be a time where I step back and not only ask Him to bring all my sin into the light that I might look hard at it and repent, but also to really look at my life through the lens of purpose and making a difference.  What does it mean for me in my life to build His kingdom?  I want to spend intentional time in prayer and journaling to seek answers to the questions that I have on my heart.  I also decided to undertake the Whole30 during this time.  It was something on my bucket list for 2016, and I felt it was really appropriate during this time because when you give up certain things, you make more room for something else.  When it comes to the Whole30, I am choosing to give up sugar, dairy, grains, and some other things, to make room for healthier foods like proteins, fruits, and veggies.  I want to give myself the full thirty days to see how I feel after making these good choices, and even though it will be hard at times, I know I don't have to lean on my own strength to accomplish it.  I also feel that holds true in the other areas of my life.  During this Lenten season, I want to focus on giving up fear of failure or of not doing enough, fear of being too weak to make a difference, or not having enough to offer, and instead make room for the healthier perspective that HE is strong and can manifest His strength in my weakness.  HE is enough and has given me everything I need to accomplish my kingdom service.  I listed to a really great talk called Kingdom Matters by Paige Benton Brown, and it was so so good.  I wanted to share a few of the things that she said, because this topic is where I am pressing in and asking the Lord about during Lent.

First, our purpose as the church (as in every believer), is to be in the world but not of it.  We meet as a body together for spiritual refreshment and to be well-fed and then go right back into the world to DO something about what we are learning.  We are to go where the Kingdom is weak and make it strong - to be the salt and light of the earth.  The purpose of salt is to enhance the flavor of food, and if salt is being used appropriately, you don't even taste it, but by it you taste food better.  It is the same for us - We are not to be the focus, but are to be used to help others focus on Jesus.  We are not to just stay safe in our little churches and keeping being fed and getting fatter in God's grace, but rather to get stronger in it, as we go out into the world and DO.

Second, each individual is given different gifts and talents in how they are to accomplish this.  Looking to the right or to the left at what He has given someone else and feeling jealous is not only sin, but it is a barrier to usefulness.  Being resentful of what we don't have keeps us from using what we do have.  She points out that everything is necessary that He gives you, and nothing that is necessary has been withheld from you.  Your kingdom service was tailor-made for you.

Lastly, no one can else can tell you what you should be doing, you need to look to the Lord.  Ask him what He wants you to do.  It's not about building a nice life for your family in your neighborhood, your community, your job.  It is about building His kingdom right around what is in front of you and with what he has already given you to make Him known in your neighborhood, your community, your job.

So that is where I am at, and I am asking Him to show me what He wants me to do, and asking Him to make me useful for His kingdom.  I am asking Him to replace fear with love.  I am not a liability, I am His daughter.  I don't have to be worried that I am going to mess something up or to feel unworthy to carry His banner.  He has called me as His own, every inch of my life has already been claimed by his blood, and so how can I not do anything but share His love with the world however He calls me to do it?

February Goals

Perhaps I will be a bit more punctual when posting my March goals, but here are my February goals even though the month is already half over.

Monthly Goals

- host a fun birthday party for Rory

- Read His Needs, Her Needs

- Read a parenting book (Give Them Grace)

- Begin the whole30!

- have a one on one date with each of my girls

Weekly Goals

-post on the blog weekly

- do a random act of kindness for a friend or stranger

- check in and build community on the Influence Network

Daily Goals

- get up at 6 am everyday to have quiet time before the girls get up

- read the Bible to the girls every night before bed

- List a gratitude every day (at least one!)

- Say one nice thing to someone else

- complete the daily prompt for the Spark Your Creativity online course I signed up for

As I mentioned in my earlier post, this month's focus is on love and some tangible ways that I have decided to do that this month are bringing a treat to share during fellowship at church on Sunday, baking cookies with my girls to share with a couple of my friends, and leaving a note ( or two) in my husband's lunchbox for him to read (and probably get embarrassed over in his lunch room).  Another goal I had was to set aside a few hours one morning before Lent started to really pray over where my heart was/is during this time and asking Him what resting in Him and abiding in Him really looks like.  I am participating in the She Reads Truth lent study, as well as some journaling and prayer exercises as I am wrestling with where God is calling me and what my kingdom service should look like.  I am thinking about writing a separate post specifically about that.

February happiness project

So on the heels of my January happiness project post, here's the February one ( I didn't want to forget again!).  Given that February is often associated with love due to Valentine's day, I figured that would be my focus for the month.  Originally I had designed it to be centralized on marriage, but decided to broaden it a bit.  I came up with four areas: 1) loving others, 2) loving my people, 3) loving myself, and 4) God's love for me.

For loving others, I thought it would be nice to do random acts of kindness each week, as well as sending little cards of encouragement to my friends.  I want people in my life to feel appreciated, (and maybe even some RAK for a stranger as well!)

Loving my people refers to my immediate family, and I want to especially make my husband feel loved this month.  This includes little proofs of love ( like making his coffee or putting a note in his lunch for him to find the next day).  I also want to make more time to really love on my kids - they are both so different, and I want to show them proofs of love that are meaningful to them individually, not just together.  I have a special valentines breakfast planned for them as well, and a little treat for them to have.

Loving myself means that I want to focus on health and wellness this month, specifically in the area of food and nutrition.  I decided to start the whole 30 ( today is day one!) and I am really excited about it.  I am planning on posting on that a bit more as I am on this journey, so stay tuned.

Today marks the first day of Lent as well, and while I didn't grow up observing the liturgical calendar, and I don't participate in Ash Wednesday services or anything, I still think that Lent is a great time to focus on the Lord, our redemption through His blood, and how we are in such desperate need of a Savior.  I want to spend time over the next forty days drawing close to Him and really seeking Him out.  I know that there is nothing that I need to say or do, that He already loves me and that regardless of my sin, I am forgiven and free.  This is not through my own doing, but because of what He has already done on the cross.  So as I think about love this February, I want to remember the greatest love of all - Him sending His Son to die for me, so that I might live.

on leaving a legacy.

I signed up for Ann Voskamp's newsletter a few weeks ago, and I opted for the one that sends you a bunch of stuff over the weekend, rather than a few things here and there.  It has become a bit of a Sunday morning ritual to sit with my coffee in front of the computer and read the articles and watch the videos that she has chosen to share with her newsletter readers.  One of the links was to a blog post that she had written a few days ago as an anthem for women.  It really encouraged me, and I highly recommend that you go read it first before reading the rest of this post.  I'll wait....

It's so great, isn't it?  That Ann really has a way with words.  My favorite part is where she writes:

"We are the women who make our lives about the cause of Christ, not the applause of men.

We are the women who live to express the Gospel, not to impress the Jones’.

We are the women who live not to make our absence felt, but to make Christ’s presence known.

We are the women who know it’s not about us and all about Jesus. "

So so good.  I thought two things as I read this, and those are what I wanted to share with you here.  One - I really felt convicted that despite my desire to want to share Christ and not to seek to impress others, I realized that part of me still wants to be known and to leave a legacy of sorts.  I want to do something that matters, and sometimes I think it is because I want to be making a difference, rather than seeking for Christ to make a difference through me. Instead, I want to be a woman who lives to make Christ's presence known, rather than to make my absence felt.  The second point I wanted to make is this - I have two young daughters and I want them to grow up to live the same way.  And the best way to help them do that is to model it for them.  I want to show them what it means to be a daughter of Christ and how to live as women that live for His cause and not other's applause.  I want them to learn how to live out the gospel because it is true, and good, and life-giving and not to seek the world's false claims of the same.  I want them to live as women redeemed instead of women still searching for what makes them worthy.  So I need to live all that first - with God's help, to His glory and praise.  That is a legacy worth leaving.

happiness project for January - a little late

I thought that I had already posted this, but I discovered that I wrote it, and then saved it instead of publishing it.  Oh well - here it is, a bit late...

I haven't blogged in a while about my happiness project, so I thought that I might do that.  January's happiness project is very much in full swing, I just apparently forgot to post about it.  January's focus is to "Study the Word" [ spiritual growth ].  This included reading the scriptures daily, memorizing scripture, and keeping a prayer/devotional journal.  I have been following along with She Reads Truth as I have been for over a year now, but I also wanted to add another study for this month.  I got "Open your Bible" by Amanda Bible Williams and Rachael Myers for Christmas, and I am enjoying this study.  It is literally about diving into the word and why it is important to do it daily.  This was a perfect study for this month's focus, and I am thankful that I chose to do it.  I also have been working on memorizing scripture.  I actually incorporated the goal of memorizing a scripture each week into my goals for 2016, so its not just a January Happiness Project goal.

I guess technically the point of the happiness project was to add a new focus each month, but to keep the old ones as well, although I haven't been keeping up with each focus area as much as I did during the month that it originated.  I do find that I write/blog more than I did before November however.  And I have decided to keep up with December's goal of documenting life into 2016, and plan on capturing as many moments on instagram as I can this year.

As far as the following months of my happiness project go, I am thinking about adding more to the project that I originally planned.  I am not sure what this looks like yet exactly, or if it is practical with work, kids, etc. but I am at least interested in trying it out.  I will post more about my thoughts on this later - probably when I discuss the happiness project for February, so stay tuned!

for those of you that are still waiting.

If I can be honest, I really am sitting here writing a blog post because I am trying to avoiding vacuuming my house.  However, I really did have something on my heart that I wanted to share.  Its about busyness.  This isn't going to be a post about what to do when you have a million things on your plate, and you can't seem to fit it all in.  There are plenty of wonderful resources to tap into if that is an area you are struggling in.  This is a post for the people like me that are the opposite of busy and are wondering what is wrong with them.  If you are human, you still have lots to do in a day - the house doesn't clean itself, the laundry doesn't just jump on in that washing machine, and you still have mouths to feed, even if it is just your own. This is for the people that see everyone on their instagram feed talking about their mile long to-do lists and the crazy amount of work they need to catch up on, and you are just praying that you will get a job because living on one income has been really tough.  This is for those of you that have had dreams of opening up your own business, but for one reason or another it just hasn't worked out for you.  This is for the person who thought you would go out and make a difference in your community or that great non-profit, but God hasn't opened any doors yet.  This post is for every one of you that feels like you aren't doing enough.

Right now, you are doing exactly what you should be doing.  Really.  If you have prayed for Him to show you your purpose but you still don't have any clear direction from him,  if you have said to God "Make me useful!" but you don't see any doors opening just yet, then you are right where He wants you for right now -  and you just need to be okay with that.  Sometimes we think that making a difference comes in the form of volunteering for a great organization, and instead He wants you to shovel your neighbors steps.  Sometimes we think that having our own business would be what brings glory to God ( and it can!) but right now He wants us to glorify Him as we instead wait patiently for Him to move.

Sister, if you aren't moving mountains or trailblazing a path through the wilderness - take heart! He can use the little things to bring about His kingdom too.  Use this time wisely!  Show up for your kids games and meet your friend for coffee.  Get your husband's shoes out from under the bed and put them in the closet where they belong without complaining that he should have done it in the first place.  Put a love note in your kid's lunchbox. Volunteer in your church's nursery. Go through your old clothes and take them to Goodwill.  These are all small things, but you have no idea what kind of impact they could make in the hands of God.

Let Him teach you His heart while you are in this season. Grow. Learn. Trust.  Take your fill of Him while the days are long and your impact seems small.  You have no idea what is around the next corner, and how He is using this time to prepare you for what is waiting for you just around the bend.

the deal with grace&canvas

I learned so much over the last few months after starting my business and I wanted to share that here.  If you follow along on grace&canvas' instagram, you have probably noticed that it has been pretty quiet on that front.  I found that doing what you love as a business doesn't always mean you will love what you do when you do it for work.  I also became really disheartened when not a single painting sold.  It is hard to push ahead with something when you feel like you have already failed before you started.  I think that there are times when you need to just suck it up and keep going, because hard work can pay off in the long run if you don't give up.  Actually, I think you should always do that.  Except for when you shouldn't.

I spent the last of 2014 and almost all of 2015 wanting to start my own business.  I thought of a hundred ideas and none of them fit.  I found that I loved painting in my free time and got some good feedback on my paintings, so thought I might be able to make that work.  I prayed for a name for weeks but nothing seemed right.  Then, on a weekday afternoon while waiting for my girls to get off the bus, the name grace & canvas just popped in my head.  I know God planted it, because my creativity wasn't coming to my rescue any of the weeks prior.  I dived in and set up a (free) website and waited.  And nothing happened.  It has only been a few months, but with the lack of sales my drive started to lack as well.  The holidays came and that sucked my time and energy.  With each day that went by, I felt like I was failing my little business and so I didn't even have the heart to go post anything at all.  So I just stopped.  Cold turkey.  I had the promise of painting reveals and give-away's, but I didn't do any of that.  I asked God why He allowed me to come up with a name and an idea if it wasn't meant to be?  I really wanted my own business for so long, and now that I had it, I didn't want it anymore.

A friend shared some great words of wisdom with me and instead of paraphrasing her words, I thought I would just add them here:

" I have been listening to a few podcasts lately and in one of them someone (I think it was Elizabeth Gilbert) said that it's not so much about IF we will fail (because failure is an inevitable part of a business and/or creativity) but whether something is worth doing even when we fail. That really spoke to me and I thought I'd share it in case it's helpful for you as well. I think sometimes God asks us to jump in and do something, and what we get out of it is not what we initially expect, but walking the journey with Him shapes us in ways nothing else would."

I learned that wanting to have my own business wasn't wrong, but I also learned that the timing just wasn't right for me right now.  I learned that starting grace&canvas had a purpose, but it wasn't because it was my "big break".  It was because God used it to teach me about patience, and how it needs to be His timing not mine.  He taught me about myself and what I was capable of, and what I really want my time to consist of.  He taught me that He can give me an idea whenever He wants to and that I don't need to search anymore for the right idea.  It will come when it is time, so for now I really want to just sit back and let God teach me some more things.  And I picked up a paint brush today for the first time, and it was really nice to do it just for me.  I didn't put it in the shop (which I am leaving open for now, because, well, free.) so the only place you can see it is at the beginning of this post and where I shared it on instagram.   I named the painting [f r e e d o m ] because I believe in having the freedom to create for the sake of creating, not because it needs to result in anything.  I want to see where God will take me this year, and I just want to go along for the journey.   I know He can open doors for me to do big and wonderful things, but for now I am ready to begin living life for what is, not what could be.

my anti-goals

So I am not sure if anti-goals are really an accurate word to describe these, and it certainly does make this post sound more dramatic than it is meant, but I am talking about things that are the opposite of goals that I had last year.  Things that I thought were important and life-giving, ended up having the opposite effect on me, and this year I want to do the opposite of these goals, they are anti-goals if you will.

Last year I really wanted to become a blogger, but soon realized it wasn't a gift of mine.  At least not at the time.  I already wrote a whole post about this back in October so I won't go over it all again,  I just bring it up as one of the anti-goals for this year.  I want to use my blog to my advantage in 2016, as a sounding board, as a platform for my thoughts, and I don't want to worry if even one person reads it, because quite frankly, no one probably will.  And I want that to be okay.

Another thing that I cared a lot about last year was instagram followers.  I am actually ashamed to admit this, because there is nothing to gain by having one or one thousand followers.  I guess if you have a business (which I kind of do, but that will be discussed in a later post) it is really good to have exposure to build your business.  However, there is all that stuff about target markets and things, and so you could have 4568854332 followers, but if they aren't your target market then you really don't have any advantage to have all those followers.  I have heard it said that having followers on instagram is like monopoly money - what does it really do for you in the long run?  Anyway, it still used to really bother me when I saw the numbers go down.  I am also really ashamed to admit this.  I remember I posted something ( cannot for the life of me remember what it was, but it wasn't anything controversial, and I like to think that I don't post any really crappy pictures) and I noticed like seven people un-followed me within the next few hours.  I asked myself what I might have done wrong and I ruminated on it for the rest of the afternoon.  However, I soon reminded myself of the above truth - that followers don't equal success or that you're cool, or worthy, or anything.  That is not to say that I am not appreciative of my followers, because of course I am.  I love interacting in the comments, and I love to see the likes that certain pictures of mine receive.  I just mean to say that my worth is not defined by how many people follow me on social media.  I am a child of God and THAT defines me.  So another goal for me in 2016 - don't even look at the numbers.  They don't matter.  What matters is that I use social media as another platform to voice the words that God gives me and to share the pictures that I consider beautiful or meaningful or having purpose.  My anti-goal for instagram in 2016 - ignore the numbers.  Post what matters to me.  End of story.

The last anti-goal that I have is something that I plan on writing a separate post about.  However, since it is relevant to this post, I will share a little bit here.  I don't want to worry about having a business this year.  Last year I ate, slept, and breathed ideas for a business that circulated inside my head constantly.  Ideas would come and go, and nothing seemed right until I settled on grace&canvas.  I have learned a lot through this experience, and my biggest take-away is that it is not for me to worry about right now.

So as I similarly shared on a recent instagram post, I want 2016 to be a year of stepping back and evaluating what truly matters and not allowing comparison to be my yardstick, but instead focusing on the things that God places on my heart.  I look forward to sharing more when the time is right and when the words are there, and then when the words don't come and life presses in, silence is perfectly okay.

tools to use when planning your goals

I talked in an earlier post about how I begin when I set goals for the year.  Even though January is already more than halfway over, I thought I would also write a post about the tools that I use as I create and implement my goals throughout the year.  I have used Lara Casey's powersheets for over a year, and I strongly recommend them for anyone who would like help with intentional goal setting.  I use them every month, and they make up the bulk of the resources that I use for setting goals each month.  However, I wanted to go into detail a little more about the other tool that I started using this year, and that is my three-ring printables binder.  I absolutely love free printables because (well, free) but also because I love when I am organized and there are some great resources out there to help with this.

When you create a printables binder, it is of course most helpful to have tools that are specifically geared towards the goals/themes that you want to incorporate into your life this year.  The first section in my binder is a devotional planner.  I wanted to make sure that I spent more time in the word each day this year.  I printed out a monthly calendar here to use as I plan my devotions for the week/month.  Right now I am going through a seven-week devotional that has five days of reading each day, so I planned each week day to consist of reading one section from that devotional.  On Sundays I pick out the scripture that I plan on memorizing for the week (one of my goals this year is to memorize more scripture) and Saturdays are "grace days" where I don't have a specific reading, but pray and journal and write out my verse for the week from memory.

The next four printables that I have in my binder are from Emily Ley's printables library.  There are so many and you should definitely go check out all that she has to offer.  The first one that I am using is the monthly calendar.

 I talked on my instagram about how I use this along with my powersheets to help me keep my goals visible throughout the month as well as help me to be more intentional in carrying out my goals by actually scheduling goals onto the calendar to ensure that they get done instead of just pushing them to the side as each day goes by.  I schedule the monthly one-time goals like date nights or a girls night with friends, and I also schedule the day each month devoted to working on my next month's powersheets.

I use the weekly calendar for the same reason as the monthly calendar (to keep them visible, and to schedule them intentionally into my day) but I schedule the weekly ongoing goals here, such as read a book ( I break down the book into chapters and schedule a certain amount of chapters to read a few times each week) or tend a relationship ( for example, Tuesdays and Thursdays are the day that I have set aside during the month of January to intentional focus on relationships like texting a friend, or sending them a note that I am thinking of them.  This may be too structured for some people I realize, but for me it works because I always know each day what I need to accomplish, so that I can look back at the end of the month and have completed all my goals.  It also helps me by breaking down a large goal into bite-sized chunks ( such as the book example I just mentioned).

Another tool that I included in my printables binder is Emily Ley's health and fitness tracker.  Since I wanted to be more health-focused this year, I included this to plan out my daily workouts and meals, as well as to keep track of the water I drink.  I do use some apps for this as well, but I am still very much a paper person, and I keep this tracker in my planner to refer to as the day goes on.

The last printable from Emily Ley that I included in my binder is her gratitude journal.  I taped one copy to my wall to list them throughout my day/week and it helps to keep it visible to me and not just inside the binder.  When it gets full, I will return it to the binder and put up another one.  Also connected with this is the last printable in my binder from Ann Voskamp which is her joy dare printables where she encourages you to list three gratitudes each day and gives you prompts to help you think of them.

Being such an organized person, I really like having a system when it comes to planning and setting goals, and this just seemed to work for me.  I encourage you to create your own if this sounds like it will be helpful for you, and if you are a creative person, it is always fun to create your own dividers for this project.   If you are not very creative, or love to shop at office supply stores, it is fun to peruse the aisles to look for some fun dividers and a pretty binder to use for your own library.  

charlotte turns six // a birthday celebration

My youngest decided on a My Little Pony party for her birthday this year.  She is especially fond of Rainbow Dash, and any excuse that I have to use color in my decorating, I am on board.  I try really  hard to make their birthdays special, after all they only come around once a year.  Party planning is also one of my love languages - I really come alive when I get to recreate Pinterest finds, or decorate a cake of my own design.

I planned the party for the mid-afternoon so that I didn't have to provide lunch or dinner.  This can get expensive, and it is always hard to have a birthday party so close to Christmas.  I made the cake, some candy-dipped wafers that I discovered on Pinterest and the kids could choose either Sprite or water.  The drinks were offered in clear cups and I had made rainbow ice cubes for the drinks.  They absolutely loved them!

I try to keep their parties short, because attention spans are the same way, and when kids get bored they start exploring your house.  Even the off-limit areas.  They like to jump on couches and they like to look on cabinets.  It also helps to have a fun party activity for them to enjoy, and when you tie this in to the "main event" i.e. cake and ice cream, its even better!  I decided to go with make your own ice cream sundaes.  This was a big hit, and I think each child used a half pound of sprinkles on their ice cream.  When you add hot fudge, caramel topping, maraschino cherries, and whipped cream, you really can't go wrong.  

I also try to minimize cost by only providing a small favor for the guests to take home.  I know my kids love going to parties where they bring home a big bag of stuff, but most of it gets broken, used, or forgotten about in a couple days and I think that a small little gift ends up being more meaningful than a big bag of goodies.  I bought a bag of rainbow Twizzlers and made "Rainbow Dash tails".  I actually didn't even see this on Pinterest, it just came to me as I started to put the bags together.  I love when things like that happen!

I really do love the planning part of a party, especially when there's a fun theme!  However, the best part of any party is if the guests, and especially the birthday girl, enjoy themselves!  I think everyone had a great time!

My January goals

I finished my monthly goals for January, but am a little late in posting them.  We started the new year with a sick kid, and so I am feeling a little behind.  It is all a reminder that January 1st is just a day, and that God's plans are always sovereign over mine.  So here's to a year of trust and truth, of pause and reflection, and of letting Him direct my steps.

Monthly Goals

- Host a fun birthday party for Charlotte

- Call State Farm re: life insurance

- Breakfast date with Forrest

- Have a redbox date with Forrest one night after the kids are in bed

- Have a coffee date with a friend

- Start my personal bucket list - maybe create a pinterest board for it!

- Make a scripture list for the girls to memorize a verse each month

Weekly Goals

- Memorize a new passage of Scripture each week

- Complete a week of "Open Your Bible" study by Raechel Myers and Amanda Bible Williams

- Read one part of Make it Happen book by Lara Casey

- "Tend" a relationship (complete something on my relationship tending page each week)

- Check in on Influence Net one to two times a week

Daily Goals

- Have quiet time with the Lord each morning

- Drink 64 oz of water

- 10k steps

- Count calories for the day ( keep it to 1300 max)

- Workout for 30 minutes (aiming for this at least 3-5x a week)

- Pray with the girls each night before bed ( this would be a good time to go over the scripture for the month as well)

- List at least one gratitude daily ( this usually flows into several!)