This post is a chance for me to be real and allow myself to start over. Over the past few weeks, I have been really struggling with my eating and body image. Once I completed the Whole30, I kind of went a little crazy. My first day of being completely done with the program also happened to fall on a birthday celebration as well as a local celebration day of all things maple syrup. Which I happen to love. So there was a lovely breakfast in the morning for the birthday (where I ate all. the. things) and then we went to a local sugar shack in the afternoon and had maple syrup in baked beans, maple butter on bread, maple syrup on fried dough, maple syrup over vanilla ice cream. And I loved every bit of it. And then the next day was Easter. My basket had a Reese's bunny and I made the BEST easter bark you will ever have. It was so addicting!! I also made hot cross buns and those were just delicious. So as you can imagine, the first couple days after Whole30 I pretty much did a 180 on the eating, and I told myself it would just be for the weekend and Monday would start fresh. Well part of doing the Whole30 was that you couldn't count calories, and while they did have guidelines for portion control, I pretty much ate whatever I wanted because it was all healthy right? Well after eating like that for 45 days, it is not easy to just go back to eating the 1300 calories a day that I was trying to stick to prior to the program. (I didn't follow this religiously - just as a guideline, and with the occasional margarita, or three cups of coffee with sugar in it, it was probably a lot higher than this every day. But at least I had a routine, and I had a goal in mind). As I started tracking my food, I was blowing through my calories for the day before dinner and so I just felt defeated and would end my day with a girl scout cookie or candy or bowl of lucky charms or graham crackers with peanut butter and chocolate chips or - you get the idea. Not great. I was still working out - almost seven days a week, but when you eat the way that I had been it doesn't make a huge difference. I felt defeated, angry, frustrated, and like a failure. This came hard after last summer of being so healthy and being in my best shape ever. I looked in the mirror and I saw failure instead of the figure that I had several months ago. I know I keep using the past tense, but this is really still where I am. Except that last night I hit a low spot where I am tired of eating the way that I have been, tired of feeling the way that I have been, and more importantly, tired of complaining about it and not doing anything to change it! I have been trying here and there, but it is time to fight back! Chasing after healthy isn't easy, and it is going to be an uphill battle for me for a while, but I know that I can do it. I have done this before. I am also going to say this - I don't blame the Whole30 for this struggle, although for me I know that it is linked. It is just because my self-control had been so focused on following the plan for so long, that when I became "free" I just let myself go. Although I actually found myself in a new place of bondage where food had its hold over me, just in a different way than before.
So I decided to make a series of small changes and the biggest one? Holding myself accountable. This was how I succeeded during the Whole30 - I didn't want to admit to others that I had "failed" so I did my best and never cheated, not once. I thought about some of the instagram accounts that I follow and I love seeing others on their fitness journeys. I don't love the accounts that just post their dinner food every single night, but I love the ones that incorporate this with real life pictures of where they are at in their journey, what their struggles are, how they are working to overcome them, and even just a beautiful shot of the bridge they just ran six miles over that morning. THAT is what inspires me. So I decided to make my own. Coming up with the user name was hard because I wanted to capture what I was trying to accomplish in just a few words. I thought about words like freedom or balance, or clean, or whole, but while I agree that those words all have a place in what my journey will look like they didn't capture ME and who I am right now. So I decided on "holdthesprinkles". Its a little tongue-in-cheek but since I am a baker - a cupcake lady - I thought it was appropriate. To be honest I thought about a user name of something like "nomoredonuts" or something like that, but I knew that I would still want a donut, and would still eat a donut sometimes. I knew my struggle was not about "no donuts" but about "not three donuts" or "not a donut every day for four days in a row". So hold the sprinkles just means that I am still going to eat some things that aren't healthy, but they are going to be in moderation, and they are going to be a choice that I make, not a craving that I can't say no to. At least, that is what I am fighting for. I don't have a specific goal weight in mind, I am not 100% sure on how to make sure that this is the time that I succeed, but I am going to try. So here goes a step on the road to freedom over food and healthy over skinny. I want to give myself grace, find balance, and be healthier than I have ever been - both physically and mentally - so that every time I look in the mirror I see something I am proud of, confident in, and the beloved, redeemed daughter in Christ that I am.
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