growth.

I have been thinking a lot about myself and how I am wired.  I am a do-er.  If I have an idea for something, I will go out and do it, perhaps even before I have thought it all through.  It will then sit there, unfinished, because I am also someone who has a hard time finishing things.  Not everything mind you.  I finish books.  Well ignore the four books that have been started and then discarded on my nightstand.  I will get to those eventually.  Okay, maybe it is a lot of things.  Why do I start things and then cannot finish them?  Sometimes I lose the fire that I had in the beginning.  Sometimes I lose sight of my vision, and can no longer see the end result, so I just quit.  Sometimes ( and most often with my recent undertakings) I over-think them, and decided that my idea isn't good enough, that no one would read it, and I just choose not to work hard at something that won't go anywhere.  That was this blog for so long.  I don't have a "voice".  I don't have a "brand".  I am not good at coming up with material that will "resonate with my readers".  I just need to write for me.  I have been so focused on wanting to let God use me to speak to others, that I haven't been letting Him speak to ME.  I haven't been quiet and I haven't been listening, because I have been doing all the talking - "What do I say to them Lord?"  And He has been like SHHHH already!

Another area where I am a do-er is I don't like to wait.  For example, if they are doing construction on my regular commute, I would much rather take the longer way home than sit with traffic for ten minutes.  I will still get home at the same time, but I would rather spend that extra ten minutes driving than sitting.  I know I can't be the only one that does that.  So when I think about areas in my life that I want to change, I usually just try and change them, but often forget to pray, or only pray halfheartedly because I am so busy trying to make the change, its almost like prayer is a distraction.  THIS is something that I do not want to let continue.

I want to have a more active prayer life.  Usually I need lists and to-dos.  I need to have a "plan" for everything and what it should look like.  I told myself that I would set the timer on my phone and pray for fifteen minutes every day.  I wanted to make intentional time to pray, and I wanted to eliminate all distractions by setting aside this time. However, I haven't made time like this for over two weeks. I have prayed of course, but not the way that I pictured.  I think sometimes I need to throw out the picture of what "ideal" looks like, and embrace the fact that God hears me if I am in the shower, or in my car, just as easily as if I am having a cup of coffee in the morning while the house is silent.  I need to stop setting so many expectations for myself, and instead I just need let God do some work in my heart.

Over the past few weeks, I have been really asking God to help me grow.  I want to continue to grow deeper in my walk with Him.  I want more intimacy with Christ.  I want to have transparency in my relationships, to enrich them all the more.  I want direction in my passions and to use them to serve His kingdom.  My prayer has been " Lord, I want to bring glory to you and build your kingdom.  I want to embrace my identity as your daughter and love others and serve them well.  I want to know you on a deeper level than ever before."

And I fully believe that when we ask God to help us grow and to make us more like Him, He is all over that.  He meets us where we are, and He brings us into Himself.  I just need to stop letting myself get in the way.  I want a more active prayer life, and I want to stop trying to fit what that looks like into a box of my own making.  I guarantee His box is better.   And I want to read more - I want to finish these four books.  I want to study His word more.  I want to model the relationships that I hope to have with others.  Show love, serve more, stop expecting anything in return.  Jesus' life is the perfect example of this and I want to be more like Him.  I want to trust Him with my life more and more each day.  The more that I trust Him, the more intimate our relationship will be.  And I need to give all these things to God and ask Him to help me do them, because if I try and do it on my own strength they will fizzle out just like the other things that I try and start.