happiness project update

So I had said earlier that I hoped this months project of living intentionally would help me feel more energized and recharged - and when I am able to check off the day's task I do feel great.  However, it has been a lot more difficult than I anticipated - even finding ten minutes is a struggle sometimes.  I have done half of my list - which isn't too bad, but I am not great at giving myself grace.  In a way, I think this "failure" has been a good thing, because I am trying to learn to be okay with not checking every item off the to-do list and I am hoping that I can learn to be okay with doing my best.  I want to work on my perfectionist tendencies because all the completed to-do lists in the world won't make me happy if I miss out on my life and the lives of my kids to do it.  Ultimately, I think this list is serving its purpose, even if it isn't in the way that I originally intended it.

Now on to May's Happiness Project.  The focus for this month is going outside my comfort zone and challenging myself.  I wanted to try something new, finish something difficult, be okay with failure.  I had been thinking a lot over the past few days on what I would like to do. Here is some backstory on how I make my decision.   After admitting defeat too many times, I decided May would be about challenging myself to be healthy.  I will be trying something new by using this instagram account to document my journey.  I want to finish something difficult by coming up with a plan and sticking to it.  I want to be okay with failure in that if something doesn't work, I just try something else.  If I have a day where I don't feel that I did my best, I am not going to bully myself, but just try that much  harder tomorrow.  I want to make a change and I want it to be for the right reasons.  So that is where I am at.  And even though this is May's project, and we are only a little over half-way through April, I am going to start now.  Something like this can't wait, but by May I should have a better idea of what I want my posts to look like and how I want to push forward on this health journey.  And I don't have an end date in mind for this either - I am actually hoping to have this account be something I continue to post on well past May.  I want to do it for as long as it helps me succeed and hold myself accountable.  So here goes...

the journey towards a healthier me

This post is a chance for me to be real and allow myself to start over.  Over the past few weeks, I have been really struggling with my eating and body image.  Once I completed the Whole30, I kind of went a little crazy.  My first day of being completely done with the program also happened to fall on a birthday celebration as well as a local celebration day of all things maple syrup.  Which I happen to love.  So there was a lovely breakfast in the morning for the birthday (where I ate all. the. things) and then we went to a local sugar shack in the afternoon and had maple syrup in baked beans, maple butter on bread, maple syrup on fried dough, maple syrup over vanilla ice cream.  And I loved every bit of it.  And then the next day was Easter.  My basket had a Reese's bunny and I made the BEST easter bark you will ever have.  It was so addicting!! I also made hot cross buns and those were just delicious.  So as you can imagine, the first couple days after Whole30 I pretty much did a 180 on the eating, and I told myself it would just be for the weekend and Monday would start fresh.  Well part of doing the Whole30 was that you couldn't count calories, and while they did have guidelines for portion control, I pretty much ate whatever I wanted because it was all healthy right?  Well after eating like that for 45 days, it is not easy to just go back to eating the 1300 calories a day that I was trying to stick to prior to the program.  (I didn't follow this religiously - just as a guideline, and with the occasional margarita, or three cups of coffee with sugar in it, it was probably a lot higher than this every day.  But at least I had a routine, and I had a goal in mind).  As I started tracking my food, I was blowing through my calories for the day before dinner and so I just felt defeated and would end my day with a girl scout cookie or candy or bowl of lucky charms or graham crackers with peanut butter and chocolate chips or - you get the idea.  Not great.  I was still working out - almost seven days a week, but when you eat the way that I had been it doesn't make a huge difference.  I felt defeated, angry, frustrated, and like a failure.  This came hard after last summer of being so healthy and being in my best shape ever.  I looked in the mirror and I saw failure instead of the figure that I had several months ago.  I know I keep using the past tense, but this is really still where I am.  Except that last night I hit a low spot where I am tired of eating the way that I have been, tired of feeling the way that I have been, and more importantly, tired of complaining about it and not doing anything to change it!  I have been trying here and there, but it is time to fight back! Chasing after healthy isn't easy, and it is going to be an uphill battle for me for a while, but I know that I can do it.  I have done this before.  I am also going to say this - I don't blame the Whole30 for this struggle, although for me I know that it is linked.  It is just because my self-control had been so focused on following the plan for so long, that when I became "free" I just let myself go.  Although I actually found myself in a new place of bondage where food had its hold over me, just in a different way than before.

So I decided to make a series of small changes and the biggest one?  Holding myself accountable.  This was how I succeeded during the Whole30 - I didn't want to admit to others that I had "failed" so I did my best and never cheated, not once.  I thought about some of the instagram accounts that I follow and I love seeing others on their fitness journeys.  I don't love the accounts that just post their dinner food every single night, but I love the ones that incorporate this with real life pictures of where they are at in their journey, what their struggles are, how they are working to overcome them, and even just a beautiful shot of the bridge they just ran six miles over that morning.  THAT is what inspires me.  So I decided to make my own.  Coming up with the user name was hard because I wanted to capture what I was trying to accomplish in just a few words.  I thought about words like freedom or balance, or clean, or whole, but while I agree that those words all have a place in what my journey will look like they didn't capture ME and who I am right now.  So I decided on "holdthesprinkles".  Its a little tongue-in-cheek but since I am a baker - a cupcake lady - I thought it was appropriate.  To be honest I thought about a user name of something like "nomoredonuts" or something like that, but I knew that I would still want a donut, and would still eat a donut sometimes.  I knew my struggle was not about "no donuts" but about "not three donuts" or "not a donut every day for four days in a row".  So hold the sprinkles just means that I am still going to eat some things that aren't healthy, but they are going to be in moderation, and they are going to be a choice that I make, not a craving that I can't say no to.  At least, that is what I am fighting for.  I don't have a specific goal weight in mind, I am not 100% sure on how to make sure that this is the time that I succeed, but I am going to try.  So here goes a step on the road to freedom over food and healthy over skinny.  I want to give myself grace, find balance, and be healthier than I have ever been - both physically and mentally - so that every time I look in the mirror I see something I am proud of, confident in, and the beloved, redeemed daughter in Christ that I am.

Monday's are for starting fresh...

I know I don't blog very often, and sometimes I want to change that.  However, right now I am working on balance.  Balance with my time, my priorities, my eating habits, my commitments.  The things that I choose to spend my time on need to be worthwhile and they need to be the best thing for me at that moment.  Most of the time, this blog doesn't make the cut.  However, sometimes it is exactly what I need to get out all my thoughts onto white space.

Lately I have been spending time on the Make It Happen website where I can post all my PowerSheets goals for the year/month and check them off when they are done ( so fun! ).  It is also fun to encourage others in their goals, and be encouraged by them in return.  I even created a group for my fellow New Englander's and I do have a little internet space to call home.  I want to make sure that my goals moving forward are not just an action item that I strive to check off, but something that I want to incorporate into my life so that a month later I can look back and say, "yeah - my life is better for it."

I have been thinking a lot lately about living intentionally, and after finishing the book Hands Free Life and watching Miss You Already, I really want to choose the right things - the important things.  I want my family to come first, I want to spend consistent time with the Lord each day, I want to take care of my body and I want to give myself GRACE because I don't do that enough.  The time we have is so short, and I want to make sure that each day I make the most of it.  No more letting the days slip through the cracks.  The time to start is now.  So that is what I am doing.  I am SUCH a list person and a chart-maker and there is a HUGE part of me that wants to sit down and do that - what do I want to accomplish each day?  Should I schedule time that we are hands-fee - no screen time, no distractions?  What about scheduling a social media-free weekend?  Do I make a list of things I need to do differently?  But then there is another part of me that says that I need to put down the pen and pick up my head and see what is in front of me.  Not everything needs to be planned, scheduled, accounted for.  I need to give myself the freedom to let go of the charts and just do life.  I want to take this chance to start fresh, live fully, give grace, laugh long, love deep, and slow down.  Before it's too late.