I didn't have to go to work today. I took the day off about three weeks ago. I told my boss that I really needed some "me" time and I am lucky enough to work for a company that believes in a work/life balance being really important for their employees. She encouraged me to take a day for me, so here I am. Last night I was so excited when I went to bed because I didn't have to set my alarm. I envisioned getting up early anyway, while the family was still sleeping soundly in their beds. I would tiptoe into the kitchen and brew some fresh coffee, sit at the kitchen table and read my devotions for the day, I would relish the peace and quiet and find myself being recharged as I read His Word and sipped my coffee alone.
Here's what really happened - I woke up to a snotty kiss from my youngest. I groggily opened my eyes to her bright, smiling face. "Good morning Mommy!" she yelled into my ear. Then she smacked another kiss on my face and ran off to join her younger sister in the living room where the TV was already blaring. "Whaa?" I said as I looked at the clock - it was only 7:30, but much too late for the peace and quiet I was hoping to have. My husband (who lost his job in July and doesn't have to report anywhere on a daily basis) just rolled over and went back to sleep. I laid there for a couple minutes and got up to make the coffee. "Rory!", I called to my oldest. "Time to get dressed for school! You have to go out and wait for the bus in 30 minutes!" I had to yell above the TV until I reached the remote and turned it off. She scampered off into her room where she selected the most mis-matched clothes she could and then began stripping down in the living room. First- grade fashion reminds me a lot of what is "trendy" now. Mixing big prints with little prints, stripes with flowers. I, myself, am wearing the same clothes I did before Rory was born. Like, the very same clothes. And I haven't showered in almost seven years either. Okay all that is a lie, but you get the picture. There is not a lot of time and money left over for yourself when you have kids. Especially on one salary right now.
I made it to the coffee maker and emptied out yesterday's coffee - cold and stale - and began to make a fresh pot. I love the smell of coffee beans. They are so rich and inviting - an invigorating smell that automatically makes any morning better. As the coffee brewed, I started on tonight's dinner that I was too tired to make the night before. French toast casserole - one of the family's favorites because breakfast for dinner is just the best. It is supposed to sit in the fridge over night so that the bread absorbs the eggs, but I figure all day in the fridge is almost as good. I poured apple juice, cereal, and milk times two and called the girls to come have breakfast. After they ate, it was time to meet the bus, and my husband threw on a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt and brought the girls outside. Rory is the only one who takes the bus - Charlotte is in her last year of pre-school, but she likes to stand outside and watch her big sister get on the bus that she is looking forward to taking once September rolls around again. Enter in my peace and quiet. Except for my dog who barks at the car that just drove by, and the neighbor walking their dog, and the leaf that just blew by in the wind. Then my husband and Charlotte come in. End scene.
With dinner in the fridge, I sit down to eat my breakfast while Charlotte runs to her sister's tablet that she never gets to use when Rory is home. She plays all the games she always has to watch her sister play. She asks me to help her when she gets stuck. I set down my phone that I had been reading my devotional on, and help her. And then again. And then a third time. I remind her that I am trying to spend some time reading my Bible and I would be happy to help her after I have finished. She gives up on the game, sits down at the table and tries to watch Disney on the tablet. I remind her that she is welcome to watch any of the Disney Jr shows, but that the regular Disney shows are just a little too grown up for her. This sets her off and she opens her mouth and yells "NO! DISNEY JR IS BOOORING! I WANT TO WATCH JESSIE!". Oh here we go. "No Charlotte, Jessie is too grown up, and I don't like how the kids on that show treat the adults. They are disrespectful, and I don't want you getting any ideas". Truth is, she doesn't need any help in this department. She is already screaming, tears running down her face, "No Mommy! I want to watch Jessie! NOOOWWW!!" On this last word her eyes become large and and her face is screwed up in a snarl. She looks a bit like a demon at this point. Great. So I won't bore you with the details, but the following fifteen minutes involve a lot of screaming and crying - me screaming, her crying. There are things thrown and doors slammed - her - and there are yells of frustration and eyes that are rolled - mine. After she has settled down, and I have settled down, she is sitting on my lap and I am braiding her hair, and I beg my husband to take her somewhere - anywhere. I had wanted some "me" time but instead I am running around grabbing up laundry, yelling at my daughter, and the devotions that I had read are already part of the past and I don't even remember what I read because I was interrupted fourteen times.
They get dressed, and pile into the car, after Charlotte has kissed me goodbye six times and asked if she can sit in my lap again when she gets back home. I wave as they drive away, and then I sit down on the couch and just enjoy the silence for a minute. And I think over the last hour. And I wish it had gone differently. I had this perfect picture of how today was going to start, and it didn't even come close. And it hits me - the parts that I am regretting right now are not the missing out on having quiet time without interruptions, or the quiet in the house while drinking coffee. I am regretting how I yelled at my daughter for yelling at me. I am regretting that I read His word without being more intentional. I got up and put Charlotte in time out before I even prayed for this day, for me, for this family that I have been blessed with.
I love that, with the Lord, I don't need to hold on to my regrets. He has washed away my sins, my yelling, my anger, my lack of focus on Him when I should be keeping my eyes on Him always. His Grace is enough for me, His Love is all encompassing, and I can start today over because He has given me a fresh start. Not only for today, but for my life. It is in Him that I can find the strength to try again. He "who saved us and called us to a holy calling, not because of our works but because of His own purpose and grace, which he gave us in Christ Jesus before the ages began" ( 2 Timothy 1:9) He is faithful even when I am failing. He is trustworthy even when I break my promises. And He reminds me that the only "me" time that I truly need, is when my eyes are on Jesus. We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. Hebrews 6:19a NIV. If there is something I need during the storms of life, it is an anchor for my soul. Thank you Jesus that you keep me firm and secure, no matter what.
And now, before my husband gets back with the youngest, and before the oldest gets home from school, I am going to spend some time for me. This time, I think I have a better picture of what that is supposed to look like.
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